Compromising Positions: Bubble Bath
by Kate McCaye
Summary: Have you ever put bubble bath in a hot tub? It's a mistake you only make once. FINISHED.
1. Daniel\'s Discovery

Title: Compromising Positions: Bubble Bath

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: K+

Category: Humor, S/J UST

Summary: Ever put bubble bath in a hot tub? It's a mistake you only make once.

A/N: I found this in a notebook when I was temporarily cut off from my computer recently, and decided it could easily fit with the "Compromising Positions" thing I've been starting. The chapters are short, especially the first two, so I'll get them out as quickly as I can get them typed up. Sadly, this story (and probably most of this series) is based on a true story.

Ch 1: Daniel's Discovery

"You look exhausted, Sam," Daniel said as he sat down to breakfast in the commissary across from Sam Carter, who had just commandeered SG1's usual breakfast table and was busy adding things to her cereal with military (no pun intended) precision.

"Good morning to you too, Daniel," Sam said with a smile. "And thanks."

"You know I didn't mean it like that," Daniel said dismissively, turning sideways to look at their CO as he joined them.

"Morning, kids," Colonel Jack O'Neill said, glancing at both of them. Daniel watched, mouth slightly open, as Sam met Jack's eyes briefly and they both suddenly found the contents of their respective trays fascinating. Sam's cheeks went pink. Jack coughed discreetly as he poured milk into his Froot Loops.

Daniel looked back and forth between them, blinking rapidly. "Um, is... everything okay, guys?"

"Fine," they answered immediately.

"Um, okay."

Daniel glanced back up at them both periodically as everyone applied themselves studiously to their respective breakfasts for the next several minutes. Finally, Daniel asked, "So, Sam, how'd that thing you were working on last night go? Backwards engineering, was it?"

"Yeah, it went fine. No problems."

"That's... good." Suddenly Daniel turned to Jack, leaned towards him, and inhaled deeply. "Jack, why in the world do you smell like... what _is _that, coconuts and limes?"

Jack glanced at Sam, who was pointedly _not _looking at him, and then turned to Daniel with a carefully blank expression. "Danny, I think you need to go see the Doc."

Daniel leaned in for a second whiff but Jack shoved him away. "Quit trying to smell me, Spacemonkey!" Jack exclaimed, louder than he meant to.

The noise in the commissary ceased and everyone looked over at them. Jack waved absently until they all went about their own business.

"You smell familiar, sort of, but I can't..." Daniel's eyes went impossibly wide as he made the connection. "That's SAM! Jack, why do you smell like Sam's shower soap stuff? Did you guys..."

"Daniel!" Sam objected, shocked.

"Keep your voice down, forcryinoutloud! Of course not!"

Teal'c joined them and took in the body language and facial expressions of his three closest friends. "Daniel Jackson, I see O'Neill and Major Carter have told you of last night's unscheduled rendezvous in the locker room."

"Teal'c!" Jack objected. "God, you make it sound like..."

"What the hell happened last night? Daniel asked. He hated being the last to know something, particularly something that sounded so juicy.

Jack leaned into the table further. Everyone followed, until all of SG1 was leaned over the table in a tight huddle, over the syrup and jam. "Okay, Daniel, it was like this..."


	2. Jack's Problem

A/N: Thanks all, I know it was quite mean of me to leave it off where I did, but this story is only about 5,000 words, so I should be able to type it all up fairly quickly.

_Previously..._

Jack leaned into the table further. Everyone followed, until all of SG1 was leaned over the table in a tight huddle, over the syrup and jam. "Okay, Daniel, it was like this..."

Ch 2: Jack's Problem

_Yesterday..._

Colonel Jack O'Neill led his weary team out of the wormhole and down the metal ramp, their mission completed successfully and without incident. In fact, the only extraordinary thing about the mission had been the ungodly amount of walking between the Stargate and... anything else.

The combination of mile after mile of rocky, "gently" sloping terrain and the radically altering climate of P3R121, which featured daytime readings in the low 100s and nighttime readings in the 40s all factored into the fact that Colonel O'Neill couldn't ever remember being more sore and uncomfortable in his own skin. No doubt at some point he had been, but no specific incident came to mind at the moment. Sure, his knee hurt, but at this point in his career that was basically a given. His back hurt as well and his legs and feet were killing him – he even thought his hair was hurting.

He supposed it didn't help any that the rest of his team had spent the entire mission acting like kids playing hooky on a beautiful day. While the technological and architectural findings had been nil, which usually put a damper on both of his scientists' enthusiasm, they had turned the laundry list of samples to be collected into a scavenger hunt of sorts. Even Teal'c had joined in.

When Jack actually saw Carter and Daniel _racing _to a plant with spiky purple things, Jack felt old. Very old. Three days and nights on P3R121 and Daniel was as... Daniely as he ever was. And Carter was downright perky. Even her hair was still bouncy. Teal'c – well, he was sort of perky too, in his own Jaffa way.

Such was everyone else's good moods that Jack had actually been standing at the base of the ramp for a good five minutes, ruminating, and had yet to speak to the General, who was listening to Carter and Daniel's reports with that patient, slightly glazed look he seemed to reserve for the two of them when they got like this. Finally, they both paused to breathe at the same time, and Hammond was able to say, "Infirmary, people. Debrief in one hour." A chorus of 'yes sirs' and SG1 was off to the infirmary, Jack's least favorite place on base.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Dr. Janet Fraiser liked to think she knew more about the many officers and civilians who worked at the SGC than anybody. After all, she was the CMO. Everyone reported to her eventually. Still, she felt there were few people she could read as well as the four members of SG1, who collectively had a file cabinet all to themselves in her office, what with the wide variety of bizarre medical emergencies they tended to attract.

Of course, some of them were easier to read than others. For example, Janet _guessed _the mission had been fulfilling but uneventful by the way Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c all calmly entered the infirmary, greeted her pleasantly, and sat down in a row on a gurney, waiting patiently for their turns.

But she _knew, _based on the not-so-subtle way Colonel O'Neill was shifting uncomfortably, darting his eyes around the room, and favoring his knee as he walked, that he did not share his teammates' sentiments. He barked out a few answers to her routine questions and seriously looked as if he was considering zatting her when she tried to shine the penlight in his eyes.

"Rough mission?" she asked casually as she took his pulse. He gave her the look that plainly said he wasn't in a particularly chatty mood (when was he ever?) But, as always, the rest of the team was quick to make up for their Colonel's grumpy attitude.

From Daniel and Sam's joint recap, Dr. Fraiser quickly extrapolated a few key details: hot days, cold nights, rocky ground as mattress, lots of walking, O'Neill's bad knees. So the grumpy mood at least wasn't completely without merit. "Ice your knee until your debriefing in ten minute intervals, and although I'm probably wasting my breath yet again, you would feel a lot better with a simple..."

"I am _not _taking a bath, Doc," the Colonel said firmly.

Janet sighed, suddenly picturing a tiny Colonel O'Neill being dragged to the bath by his mother, kicking and screaming the whole way. "Soaking in the Whirlpool in the locker room is not 'taking a bath,' Colonel," she told him mildly, signing off on his chart. "But if it would make you feel better I could bring Cassie's old rubber ducky in tomorrow – she's outgrown it but I think he's still sea-worthy. Or tub-worthy, rather."

"Very funny, Doc. Oh, Carter! You're up! The good doctor and her shiny needles await!" he called loudly, getting to his feet.

"Think about it, Colonel," Janet called as the Colonel and Major swapped places.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Sam Carter was having an _excellent _week so far. After a blissfully peaceful mission where the most dangerous thing around had been her CO's increasingly bad mood and its correlating sarcasm, they had returned in one undamaged piece for a change, the Colonel's bad knee and sore back (which he still probably thought none of them knew about) notwithstanding.

To top that off, they came home to find that SG7 had found an unidentified alien device on their last mission and brought it back for her, and SG11 had something long and challenging for Daniel to translate, so he was probably ensconced in his own lab just as she was.

As she thought of Daniel, she glanced at the clock and realized it was almost two in the morning and she was officially through her first pot of coffee of the night. That meant it was time to go to Phase 2: rejuvenating shower wake-up call. She quickly got to a stopping point and made her way to the locker room, not even bothering to switch the sign from 'Men' to 'Women.'

In all her years at the SGC, the only person she'd ever run into in the locker room at this time of night was Daniel, who resorted to the shower wake-up technique occasionally, if he was out of coffee or something. Sam forced herself to jump into an ice cold shower to wake up, then dodged the water stream and added the hot water for the remainder of her shower.

After a quick shower, she got dressed again and headed back to her lab, not bothering to dry her hair. The entire process only took about twenty minutes, but now she'd be good for another two hours of hard work in the lab.


	3. Jack's Solution

A/N: Typing away... this story seems a lot longer in a notebook!

Ch 3: Jack's Solution

Jack groaned and rolled over in bed. He had hit the sack early, only to toss and turn for hours. He kept thinking about the Whirlpool in the locker room. This time of night, there'd be nobody around...

Jack knew the Whirlpool had been replaced after the Hathor incident (ew, ew, EW!), but he was still reluctant to use it. Plus he had a reputation to uphold. Colonel O'Neill always bounced back. How would it look if some fresh recruit or one of the Marines found Colonel O'Neill 'soaking' in the tub after a routine mission? But it was almost 3 AM, so there wouldn't be anybody else around... if there was he could always try saying, "Doctor's orders."

When he entered the locker room he stopped, surprised. The warm moisture in the air told him someone had just recently showered, and his mind immediately went to the only person he knew who was routinely up and about the SGC at this hour. He shrugged and grabbed a towel, went over to the wall that held the Whirlpool controls, and turned it on. As it bubbled to life, he went over to his locker to undress.

He stopped again as he caught sight of the small cluster of objects resting on the bench between the rows of lockers. So, it _had _been Carter who had just taken a shower, judging by the fact that her shampoo, shower gel, and poofy sponge thingy were sitting there, still damp. He debated nixing the Whirlpool to go kick his 2IC out of her lab and into bed, but finally decided he was too tired to have _that _argument yet again.

He went over to her locker, opened it, and placed her things back inside, wondering absently when all of SG1 had learned each other's locker combinations. But if he needed to, he would have been able to get into Daniel's or Teal'c's as well. Originally, it had happened for the sake of convenience, but it had proven useful mainly for pranking each other. Despite this, none of them ever changed their combinations.

Jack moved to close the locker, but caught sight of the picture taped to the inside. There was one of Carter and her dad, but the one he was looking at now was SG1, on his own patio. Fraiser had taken this picture at a barbecue a few years ago. While most people's attention probably would have been drawn to Teal'c and his ridiculous cowboy hat, Jack's immediately went to Carter. She and Daniel were perched on his railing, side by side, between Jack and Teal'c. In the picture, Carter was laughing at something, but Jack couldn't remember what it had been.

Every single time they were on his patio, one or both of them insisted on sitting on the railing, and he always told them they were going to fall off and hurt themselves. He was truly surprised that Daniel hadn't ended up falling over into his bushes yet. He had nearly done it, once, after consuming not one but two beers before Jack had even thrown the steaks on the pit, but Teal'c had swiftly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him back to safety.

Jack glanced around the locker room and picked the shower gel back up. Well, okay, he thought as he read the label. That solved the mystery of why his 2IC frequently smelled like lime and coconut. He opened the bottle and took a long whiff of the familiar scent, which was much stronger in its concentrated, shower gel state.

As he felt some of the tension leave his body, he imagined asking Mackenzie at his next psych eval, "So, is it weird that I find my 2IC's bath products to be extremely comforting?" He laughed out loud as he imagined Mackenzie's reaction to that. Or worse, Carter's. Then he sighed and wondered if he was being creepy.

He supposed, on the one hand, it was a bit creepy to be standing in an empty locker room in the middle of the night, smelling things that belonged to his 2IC, but... well, there was always more than one level, right? And it wasn't like he had broken into her locker _intending _to swipe her stuff. Besides, Jack had always been a smell-oriented guy. Even now, the faintest hint of anything mentholated made him instantly seven years old again, stuck in bed, sick as a dog, with his mother rubbing Vick's into his chest and under his nose, for example.

And _of course _he would be relaxed by something that smelled like Carter: she was always saving his butt and everyone else's from the wacky and 'inescapable' circumstances they always found themselves in. He'd be just as comforted by something that smelled like Teal'c – only problem was that Teal'c really didn't seem to have a smell at all. Jack figured it was one of those Jaffa things... no sweating, etc.

Deciding he had spent more than enough time rationalizing his behavior, he headed for the Whirlpool, determined to get the show on the road. Finding it heated now, he set the timer for half an hour, stripped to his boxers, and got in. Being naked would just make it _too _much like a bath. Besides, who knew what kind of weird fungus or rash he might get from this thing? Jack sank down into the water and hissed as he got used to the hot temperature. Okay, so the Doc knew what she was talking about. This _did _feel pretty good...

He glanced at the bottle of shower gel, still in his left hand, and was only mildly surprised to find it there. He pictured telling Fraiser he appreciated the offer, but had found his own version of a rubber ducky. No doubt he would find himself sent to Mackenzie and Hammond for that, although not necessarily in that order.

Jack rested his head on the rim of the Whirlpool and closed his eyes. This was actually... working. Maybe he should come in here more often... in the middle of the night, of course, when nobody would come in...

He realized he had dozed off when a splashing sound and spray of hot water in the face made him jerk awake. "Oh, dammit!" he moaned – he had dropped Carter's gel stuff in the tub. He began fumbling around for it and swore again as foamy bubbles started growing exponentially. They weren't stopping either...

Soon he was surrounded by crackling, lime and coconut scented bubbles. They were over his head and spilling over the sides of the tub... _a volcano of bubbles _was the only thought in his head.

He was still fumbling around for the bottle when he heard a very familiar voice call, "Whoa, what the hell is going on in here?"


	4. Sam's Splash

A/N: I think there's one more short chapter after this one. To answer a couple of inquiries: yes, sadly, this did happen to me, in a hotel, when I was an undergrad student at a conference to present a paper. In my case, it was just a regular Jacuzzi tub and a little bit of gel that got knocked in. That tiny bit made so many bubbles, I'm sure an entire bottle could easily flood the SGC locker room!

Thanks for reading.

Ch 4: Sam's Splash

When Sam returned to the locker room after remembering she had left her things sitting on the bench, she had naturally expected it to be just as quiet, dark, and deserted as she had left it an hour ago.

Instead, she was met with... bubbles. The entire locker room was rapidly filling up with bubbles, which were pouring out of the spot where she knew the Whirlpool to be, in copious amounts.

"Whoa, what the hell is going on in here?" she called. Surely there was someone in here, perhaps amidst all the bubbles.

"Carter!" The voice was familiar. The slight yelping tone of it was not.

"Colonel?"

"Maybe... turn this damn thing off, will you?"

"Yes, sir," Sam said quickly, hurrying over to the control panel for the Whirlpool. She slipped on the foamy water and slid into the wall lightly, quickly switching the Whirlpool off.

The room got instantly quieter, which made the crackle-popping sound of the bubbles seem suddenly much louder.

"Sir, what happened?" Sam demanded, making her way over to the mass of bubbles that was now, at least, no longer continuing to grow exponentially. Even as she spoke, her brain registered that those bubbles smelled an awful lot like her own shower gel... which she had left out on the bench.

"I uh... had a little... accident..." Her CO's arms, bare and covered with bubbles, suddenly came into view amidst all the foam, as he was apparently trying to wave the bubbles out of his way. She slipped and slid over towards his arms, unable to tell how close she was getting to the edge of the tub.

"Sir, you're not supposed to use any type of soap in the Whirlpool," she called.

"Ya think!" he called back. "Help me outta here!"

"I'm trying!"

"I didn't do it on purpose, by the way! I'm not that dumb!"

"I didn't say you were dumb, sir!"

"Well... the Doc told me to come have a soak and I dozed off and... accidentally dropped... something... in the water."

"Would that 'something' happen to be the shower gel I just came back to put away?" Sam asked.

Silence. Then, finally, "Sorry, Carter."

She sighed and figured she'd really rather not have an explanation for why he had her shower gel close enough to the Whirlpool to drop it in there with himself.

Finally, she broke through the bubbles and burst into giggles. She couldn't help it. The sight of Colonel Jack O'Neill sitting in a tub surrounded by mountains of bubbles and covered with them (and looking absolutely panicked by his situation) was just too much.

"I still haven't found the bottle," he explained, feeling around in the tub.

"It'll be a lot easier to find after we get rid of all these bubbles."

"Good point. Give me a hand?"

"You're not... naked, are you?"

"No!"

She took his soapy hand with her own equally soapy hand and tried to help him up. It was just a recipe for disaster, and sure enough, rather than pulling him up, he pulled her down. She splashed, face first, into the tub on top of him, getting a mouthful of soapy bubbles in the process.

Now, perhaps, under extreme duress of torture or extreme amounts of wine on a girl's night with Janet, Sam _might _have possibly admitted to imagining what such a scenario _might _be like. Joining her sexy CO in a hot bath... _maybe. _It might have crossed her mind. Once. Or twice. _Maybe. _

The reality was nothing like anything she may or may not have imagined. In reality, falling into the tub on top of her CO just plain hurt.

The hot water hurt her face, her lungs were filled with soapy water, she whacked arms and legs on the hard metal sides of the Whirlpool on the way in, then collided with knees, feet, and who knew what else under water. And judging by the strangled yelp she only dimly registered (as she was much more concerned with more important matters like getting oxygen into her body in addition to all the soap and water she had just inhaled), there was a very real possibility that her left knee had just dealt him a very personal injury.

She finally managed to sit up, too worried with breathing at the moment, as she coughed up bubbles, to do anything about the fact that she was sitting on her CO in the Whirlpool in the locker room in the middle of the night.

While Sam coughed up soapy water and gasped for air, Jack patted her on the back and wiped the bubbles off her face and away from her eyes, not knowing what else to do. Finally, she could breathe somewhat normally. Then she started giggling again.

"What?" he asked, harsher than he meant to.

"I found the bottle," she said in between laughs, holding it up. It was completely empty.

Biting his lip and getting ready to apologize and offer to replace it, he realized she was definitely laughing too much to be really angry, so he gave in and finally started laughing as well.

They were still sitting in the Whirlpool, Jack reclined back as he had been all along, Sam perched awkwardly on his legs just below his knees, laughing like a couple of hyenas on helium, when they heard Teal'c ask, "Major Carter? O'Neill? What has transpired?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Teal'c's large form quickly appeared amidst the very slowly dissipating bubbles. If he was surprised to find the locker room overrun with bubbles and Jack and Sam in a tub together, he hid it predictably well.

"Teal'c, this isn't what it looks like," Jack said quickly.

Sam looked at him and snorted. "What exactly is this supposed to look like, anyway?"

"I don't know," he admitted, laughing.

Sam got to her feet carefully in the tub, water pouring loudly off of her as she was still completely dressed. "Welcome to the party, Teal'c. Can you give me a hand?"

"Of course." Teal'c practically lifted her right out of the tub and set her on her feet next to him, keeping a hand firmly on her shoulder to steady her. "O'Neill, give me your hand, I will assist you as well," he instructed.

"All right, but don't even think about picking _me _up," Jack warned, gripping Teal'c's forearm for balance as he got to his feet and out of the tub carefully. "What are you doing in here in the middle of the night anyway?" he asked curiously.

"I ran out of matches to light the candles in my room and keep a spare box here in my locker."

"Oh. Guess you want to know what happened now, huh?"

"Indeed."

"Right, well see..."

As Jack and Sam explained the situation to Teal'c, they made their slippery way over to their lockers and wiped off as many of the bubbles as they could. Once they were away from Ground Zero (Jack's new name for the Whirlpool,) he was able to see just how far the bubbles had spread.

They completely filled the shower area, the Whirlpool area, and the sinks as well. Even the first two rows of lockers were bubbly. Luckily Sam had shut the jets off before the bubbles spread further, but this was going to take forever to clean up. Speaking of cleaning up...

"Er, Carter? How exactly does one go about cleaning up all these bubbles?"

"I don't know, sir... I mean with enough water we could get rid of them fast, but we'd just be flooding the locker room, which would just be creating a bigger problem... since we're so far underground there's really just nowhere for them to _go... _it's not like we can open a window or something... I guess we'll just have to let them dissipate on their own. They should all be gone by morning."

"Even if they are, Hammond will still find out about this."

"Yes, sir, I'm sure he will."

"Great," Jack muttered. "The one time I take the Doc up on her suggestion I use the Whirlpool... I should have known something like this would happen."

"It's not that bad, sir," Sam tried to console him as they all headed back towards their quarters, not noticing the wet and soapy trail they were leaving behind.

"Indeed, O'Neill. At least you smell most pleasant," Teal'c added.


	5. Hammond's Headache

A/N: Last chapter... and my own sad attempt to make sense of the ever-changing SGC locker room configurations. Thanks for reading, all. I hope it made you smile.

Ch 5: Hammond's Headache

Daniel blinked as they finished their story. Apart from the blinking, he hadn't moved in many minutes, his face frozen with both eyebrows raised, his glasses slightly crooked, and his mouth hanging open, a forkful of waffles stopped halfway en route to his mouth, now drizzling syrup onto the table.

"I can't believe I missed that," he finally said.

Right on cue, the PA system squeaked on and Hammond's voice said gruffly, "Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, report to my office, NOW."

A few of the braver officers in the commissary made "Ummmm" and "Oooohhhhh" sounds like the rest of the class when somebody gets called to the principal. Jack didn't even bother to scowl at them.

Jack and Sam got to their feet reluctantly and trudged off to the General's office. "What do you think it'll be, clapping erasers or writing lines on the blackboard during recess?" Jack tried to joke on their way, glancing at his 2IC from the side.

He felt guilty that she had got dragged into this, all because he hadn't been able to leave her stuff alone. One more attempt at humor, then. He pretended to write, "I...will not... take a bubble bath... at work..." in the air, finally getting a laugh from her just as they reached Hammond's office. The door was already open for them. They filed in and stood smartly at attention.

"Feeling the need to suck up this morning?" Hammond asked after he had saluted them back and pointed them into the chairs in front of his desk.

They sat down. Jack started to answer back but stopped himself with great effort.

Hammond sighed. "I am used to any and all manner of strange reports waiting for me in my inbox after all these years at the SGC. There's a scientist on SG4 that _always _wants to bring back some type of woodland creature from the planets they visit. For some reason the commissary often receives extra shipments of instant gravy instead of coffee. Last week SG9 came back from P6T391 with a green rash and the uncontrollable urge to dance. Badly. I thought I was ready for anything. Then I arrived this morning and had not one, but _thirty-two_ complaints that the locker room is full of _bubbles. _May I say, for two people who were up so late last night, you both look remarkably squeaky clean." He paused too stare accusingly at them both and added, "I've already seen the security tape."

"If you saw the security tapes then you know it was an accident, sir..." Sam started bravely, inwardly thinking that with the tone Hammond was using, she half-expected him to add an 'and-wait-until-your-father-hears-about-this, young-lady' to the end of his tirade.

"Yes, Major, save your breath. I really don't need another explanation from the two of you that contains the words, 'it's not what it looks like.' The fact of the matter is that however _innocent _these incidents actually are, they don't appear that way to the outside observer. This is a military base, not the Real World Hawaii. This is also not the first problem the two of you have had in the locker room. In fact, it's only the last in a series. I realize often it's not just you two, that the rest of SG1 ends up being involved as well, but that's not what the rumor mill really cares about, now is it? And since you both keep insisting that these are all 'accidents,' I can only think of one way to prevent these types of accidents and the headaches they cause me in the future. So here's the deal: from now on, SG1 is not allowed in the locker room at the same time. _Any _of you. Understood?"

"Sir, that's a bit impractical, don't you think?" Jack asked. "I mean, when we come back from those sandy planets..."

"Colonel!"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

They stood up to leave. In the doorway, Jack turned back, carefully sized-up Hammond's real mood, and said cautiously, "Another solution, General, would be to give SG1 our own locker room."

"OUT!" Hammond said firmly.

As soon as the door was shut behind them, Hammond set down his pen and chuckled. He only wished the security footage had been able to show what happened after first Carter, then Teal'c disappeared into the mountain of bubbles. All that it did show were the bubbles quickly enveloping O'Neill, then Carter's slapstick-style, slip'n'slide arrival. After Teal'c joined them in the mass of bubbles, all three quickly emerged and that was that. Still, it was pretty funny by itself. Bubbles... the President would get a good laugh out of this one.

And O'Neill did have a decent point... maybe it _was_ time to give SG1 their own locker room.


End file.
